Snout

Did you see 'Rubbersnatch Investigates' last night? It was well membrane. It's another one of Marty Parmesan's productions. Rubbersnatch used his twentyforce - amazing special effects. I watched it with a bag of inky slits and a soft liquorice mound.

I was talking to Marty the other day, actually. He was telling me all about his towering Ukrainian girlfriend with huge hands, again. Apparently, she hotknuckles his spaniel-tucks without him having to ask. With her immense strength, he says his feet actually leave the ground in a grunting melee of frittered pantspume. Well, I congratulated him gruffly but I didn't really know what on earth he meant.

Marty said he's focusing on more serious programmes this year. He's fed up with people shouting 'Knockercake' in his face all the time. He's just finished a new human-interest documentary - 'Decline a Coarse Vagina'. Also, he's produced an expose of that company who found that with sufficient hydrogenisation and irradiation, it was possible to manufacture high-margin foodstuff from actual shit and market it as bars of 'Mountain Stule'.

He is really odd, though - he'll sit there and tell you about his programmes and the next thing, he starts saying how his Slavic squeeze trumps with such raw muscular force, it sounds like a heavy-duty hessian sack being ripped from seam to seam. I don't understand why he tells me these things.

I know that Marty and I go way back but sometimes I just get tired of that puffed-up, mop-topped, adenoidal squitbubble. I'm tired of constantly sucking up to him and having Miss Gargantua sneering at me with her solid tits and unwholesomely rugged hands. There must be other production companies out there who'd make 'Badge'.