Slow Top

Oh no! I do not believe it. That Marty Parmesan is a total pool of dried-up plimsollpiss. I can't believe I'm wasting my time with that curly-topped creasy twatwedge.

So he says he'll produce 'Terry Badge' - great - but there's a catch. He wants his massive Ukrainian girlfriend - or his 'Golden Number One' as he's started calling her - to play the part of Eleanor Tight. I mean, how on earth is that going to work? Eleanor Tight is a chic, elegant woman who is also a highly professional and effective detective inspector rising rapidly up the ranks - keen as muffmustard, savvy as girlfroth and sharp as a sharpened ladyknife. I can't have Marty's flinty bint taking the part - it would spoil the whole show.

Marty says that she now wants "to progress her acting career" and he's there to support her doing that. What acting career!? Have you ever heard her utter a word of English? She doesn't look like a sleek, wily woman of substance - Eleanor Tight should be the fantasy offspring of Jim Rockford and Juliet Bravo - not Dolph Lundgren and Jordan. I started trying to explain this to that ringdrip Parmesan but he just holds up his soft little hands - palms outwards, closes his eyes and whispers "noo noo noo" - it's something he's started doing a lot, lately and it really annoys me. Prick.

Well, anyway, I just don't know what to do. I mean, this is the big chance to get 'Terry Badge' on the small screen and you've only got to look at Marty's amazing track-record to see that he knows how to score a hit ('Frotscape' is widely tipped to pick up another Golden Ballsach this year, by the way) but I just feel that the whole thing would be totally spoiled with old Concrete-Titski playing Eleanor. There'll be no subtle sexual frisson between her and Badge - it's one of the key elements of the show.

I told Marty I'd consider it and he started jabbing his finger in the air at me and saying "yah, yah, you do dat, you do dat" in that stupid Brooklyn drawl that he's started affecting but I just don't know what to do, I really don't.