Finding the Niche

By the way, talking of Marty Parmesan - I saw him the other day to discuss another business proposition. I've got a cast-iron business plan for a new franchise. It's like Starbucks but, instead of coffee, will be serving beef tea. Not just beef tea, of course, there'll be other drinks like porky cola and goose juice on offer, too. We'll have a silver-plated monkey called 'Hokey' as the corporate mascot and I can get Thermo King and Queen of the Speedboats to promote the first opening.

I thought we could maybe even get Action Charlie, too, but a bit of bad news there, I'm afraid. I spoke to his agent and, apparently, AC is uncomfortable with endorsing a grinning, be-fanged, carnivorous shiny monkey - especially as Action is focussing on promoting his lead in 'Hard Guts III: Dropped Guts' which is coming out next month. He thinks it could give the wrong message to his vegetarian action fans. I explained that we'll be offering spicy vegetable polyhedra but he just wasn't interested. I don't know, it seems like political madness gone correct, sometimes, it really does. Thermo King, though, is totally on-board and even suggested the possibility of taking on Hokey as an official sidekick. And Queen of the Speedboats said she would be able to get a troupe of her pneumatic artistes to water-ski up the Thames in formation, wearing patriotic leotards and smeared in dripping. Now, she is a true professional. So it's really starting to take off. I'm going to see if I can get any press in this week's episode of Rancid Mate and Schwy Boy.

Marty looked amazing, by the way. He was dressed in a glossy grey suit and was wearing huge chunks of platinum jewellery. He's just signed a five-year deal on 'Cash Up Your Mouth' and found a new bleached toothy bint with a splendid shitter to front it. The boffins say that it will be very successful.

Ah, me and Marty go way back but when I mentioned Chozza and Spang from the old days he spat out his drink and frantically used both hands to repeatedly flip the bird in wild frenzied arcs, knocking over all the glasses on the table. I really think that we may have gone too far with our silly impersonations of him back then. The time when we all wore wigs like Marty's big curly mop, in particular, comes to mind. I regret that now. I also met Marty's girlfriend. She's Ukrainian and incredibly tall with massive, solid tits. She's also got huge hands with bulging blue veins. Reminds me a bit of Trudy Truffiturd. Marty told me that she can tap out a rhythm on her knees and she could. Then she tapped out a rhythm on Marty's knees while he snorted snuff from his big ruby ring.