Crush

Well Marty seems to be having the last laugh, I guess. His shows just seem to be so successful. I, for one, will be watching 'Celebrity Trowel Insertion' tonight. It's Natasha Kaplinksi, an oiled beach wood and copper eight-ounce broad-pointed hand trowel and, all the rumours are, this is the week where it will be the rectum.

Did you see 'Chef Abuse' last night? That's one of his, too. Every week it has a member of the public taken on as a trainee kitchen-hand who, for thirty minutes, is repeatedly and wordlessly kneed in the groin by TVChef, over and over and over again until the final three minutes where a handful of crumpled banknotes is thrown on the floor next to the writhing sous and TVChef runs through a quick filo recipe. Apparently, there's a two-year waiting list to get on the show.

Marty said that that was nothing, though, and the real big earners this year are going to be 'Good Chef, Bad Chef', 'Chef Probe' and 'Dancing Chef Property Makeover Bingo in the Sun Challenge'. That man really has his finger on the pulse, I tell you.

You know, I'm not so sure about the whole Hokey meat juice franchise now. Marty was really dismissive of it. He just clapped his hands to his face in exasperation while his immense Ukrainian squeeze crushed the salt and pepper shakers in her massive hands.