Reportage

MINISTERIAL AUTHORITY FOR MUNICIPAL ARCHIVES - FORM 9R-K/32 [M.A.M.A.100839]

09-03-09 WATCHZONE 1a-8273

TELEPHONE TRANSCRIPTION

Consumer Units under surveillance: J H Fisk 7-2521 call to S Merkin 1-5537 made 12:04 7th March 2009

SAFE UNDER THE WATCHFUL EYES

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT -

JHF: Hello, Sandy?

SM: Er... who's calling, please?

JHF: It's me, Jeremy - you know, 'Terry Badge' Jeremy.

SM: Oh, hey kid...

JHF: ...yeah, it's Jeremy, actually. Listen, Sandy, I've been worried about you. I mean after the clown attack. I, perhaps I should have done, well... hello...?

[static]

JHF: Sandy?

SM: It's okay, kid...

JHF: ...Jeremy...

SM: ...I knew the day would come, the day of reckoning. I knew it was only a matter of time before I saw Bill again. It's almost a relief, in a way.

JHF: Bill? You knew that clown, didn't you? You recognised him.

SM: Yes, I knew him, Bill Feltch. We go way back. We were both part of the scene. Both trying to get work as actors. Back then, there was all sorts of craziness going down, all kinds of experimentation, all kinds of consciousness being expanded. You wouldn't understand, kid, with your Facebook and...

JHF: ...it's Jeremy, and I don't actually have a Facebook accou...

SM: ... computers. We were real. We were politically active, we cared, we really cared. Well, back then, there was one theatre company that was way out there - it was the grooviest of the groovy. It had no costumes, no props, no seating for the audience - none of the bourgeois nonsense that ties you down - it was pure, pure like golden snow, it connected to the core of what it is to be human, it was out there, it was avant-garde... and I wanted in. I would have done anything to get in. I... I did do anything.

JHF: What do you mean?

SM: There was an audition piece. Something that they told me everyone had to do. We were in a big hall with a wooden floor and high, narrow windows which had no curtains. A bell was ringing continually and the cast were all dressed in black turtle-neck sweaters and black-rimmed glasses and were running around the edge of the hall, carrying the curtains on their shoulders - trailing them around like carnival snakes and howling. In the centre of the hall was a table, where I stood and there, they made me... they had it on a plate...

[static]

SM: ...they made me penetrate a warmed-up Battenberg...

[static]

JHF: Sandy? Did you just say that you...

SM: That's right kid, they made me f-ck a sponge, forced me to rape a cake.

[static]

SM: Look kid...

JHF: ...Jeremy...

SM: ...you have to understand that I wanted in. You ever wanted something so much, you found yourself doing things you wouldn't normally do? Huh? Things that you never thought you'd do? Well, back then, that was what I wanted. I was desperate, I would have done anything. That group was it. Besides, it was pushing the boundaries, it was art, it was an installation piece, it was political. You wouldn't understand these days. It was important. Anyway, after I got in, they decided they were going to make it into a movie - a protest movie.

JHF: I don't understand. How is penetrating a tepid Battenberg meant to be a protest?

SM: I told you, it was political. Anti-war. You wouldn't understand with your iPods and...

JHF: ...I don't have an iPod, actually...

SM: ...flatscreens. So, as the newest member I had to find someone who could play that part on film.

JHF: And the next guy just happened to be Bill Feltch, right?

SM: You got it kid...

JHF: ...Jeremy...

SM: I knew Bill needed the work too. I'm just glad the next guy was a guy. What they made the women do was even worse. I tell you, there's some famous grande dames of the theatre around today who I know for a fact have had Bakewell slices firmly...

JHF: ...so Bill knew what he was getting into, right? What was the problem?

SM: I wasn't quite open with him on all the details. We filmed in secret.

JHF: What did you do with the film?

SM: The film we burnt, baked it in an oven with some coconut macaroons - it was all part of the installation. But there were some still photos that were taken. The more radical elements in the group used those to launch a campaign. They took hundreds of copies and intended to go around the shops, sellotaping them to cakes on the shelves with the slogan 'Seeds of Guilt'. I told you, it was an anti-war thing. Well, fact of the matter is, when we all came down from the acid, we realised that none of it made any sense at all so we stopped the whole thing and switched to Gilbert and Sullivan operetta instead. But the damage was done.

JHF: Damage?

SM: Yes, some of the photos got loose. You see, by that time, Bill was doing his clown act and having some success with it on the TV. I heard that one of the photos of Bill emptying himself into a Swiss roll got seen by his producers. It finished his career. After that, I know he did some shows over in Japan where they didn't know about the cake incident. It finished his time with Rosie, too.

JHF: Rosie Hoal-Riemer?

SM: Yeah, she'd only just finished school - same fancy prep school as Bill's. She was that much younger and completely infatuated by him. Loved his hands. You see, I kind of caught her on the rebound but it didn't last. Just couldn't compete with Bill. She didn't care about the sponge spunking but Bill couldn't face her. I don't think she ever quite got over him, you know. Anyway, Japan was the last I heard of him until...

JHF: ...the frenzied shoe attack.

SM: That's right, kid.

JHF: It's Jeremy. Look, Sandy, I'm glad you're okay but I need to ask you something. I saw Marty the other day. We... er... had a little bike ride and he told me that you thought I had your plot book.

SM: Yes, you have it don't you?

JHF: No, I was hoping you did.

SM: F-ck kid! Without the f-cking plot book, we're f-cking f-cked!

[static]

SM: Bill must have it. If you didn't pick it up, Bill has it. He knew what he was doing. Kid, we need that book. I can't go. You have to go. You need to get that book back off him if Badge is going to happen. Without that plot book, there's no f-cking MacGuffin, kid.

- TRANSCRIPT ENDS]

SAFE UNDER THE WATCHFUL EYES

M.A.M.A.